I Almost Cancelled My Boudoir Session — Here’s Why I’m So Glad I Didn’t

Why am I doing this?

That’s the question I asked myself over and over again. The answer changed from time to time. Sometimes, “because it will be fun,” or “I deserve to do something for myself,” many times it was “I have no f*cking clue.” 

The truth is, I felt guilty. As many times as we’re told to take care of ourselves, that we can’t pour from an empty cup, that self-care is important, it just seemed frivolous and silly. “I shouldn’t be spending so much money on myself” and “I don’t even have anyone to show them to” relentlessly ran through my head as I tried to talk myself out of it. 

I almost cancelled. Almost. 

“I almost cancelled. And then the day just sort of snuck up on me.”

And then the day just sort of snuck up on me. I took the time to prepare. I got my nails done. I took the time to scrub and shave and moisturize…and then I just…showed up. 

I had no idea what to expect. I had read all of the instructions, suggestions, and lurked on all the social media pages. I was still terrified. I remember taking a deep breath as I walked up the stairs to the studio. Too late to back out now! 

But from the moment I ascended those steps, I was treated with such warmth. I was greeted with smiles and excitement. I was spoken to as a friend, as someone they wanted to actually KNOW. I sat in the makeup chair while Rachel made me beautiful and Justin chatted with me, asked me questions, got to know me while he waited. I was taken to the MASSIVE collection of lingerie—truly anything you can imagine—and Rachel assisted me in choosing the perfect pieces. 

At this moment, terrified was an understatement. I was so nervous. I didn’t want to mess up or look stupid or waste their time. One pose-click-another one-click. They showed me exactly what to do. They made me laugh, and I slowly felt myself start to relax. And then (who would’ve guessed?!) I actually started to ENJOY myself. By the time I changed into outfit number 2, I was having FUN. Any nerves or embarrassment just melted away. I felt comfortable with them, and more importantly with MYSELF. I fully trusted them and just let myself go. I had read a post by Rachel that said they can actually see the moment that all the insecurity and fear melts away, and I believe that because I could FEEL it. 

After that final shot was taken, I have to say that I was a little disappointed that it was over. I redressed and waited for my images to appear on the screen. My nerves were back. 

“When Justin pulled up those first few pictures, I gasped. I could not believe that was me.”

When Justin pulled up those first few pictures, I gasped. I watched each image, wide-eyed and speechless. I could not believe that was me. I haven’t had any formal pictures of myself since my son was born almost 18 years ago. And I most certainly had NEVER seen myself like that. So raw, vulnerable, so absolutely STUNNING. I started to see myself, right then in that moment. I started to see the woman I had lost. The one that was forgotten after pouring everything she had into taking care of everyone else…she was still there. 

Right there. 

I felt small pieces of me start to heal. The little girl, the eldest daughter. The insecure teenager. The ambitious young woman whose dreams had been shattered by abuse. The mother who had simply forgotten herself amid the boundless love for the little boy that stole her heart. The chronic illnesses that had cast a shadow over it all. All of it just felt…lighter somehow.

I don’t know how to explain it. Was it confidence? A needed boost in self-esteem? The feeling of being among friends? A feeling of accomplishment? Maybe none of this. Maybe all of it. I don’t know. 

What I do know is that I left there different. I felt better. I felt…seen. And that’s what we all want, right? That’s what we need. We need someone to see us for who we are, and we need them to accept that person. 

I saw her. 

And I accept her for who she was, who she is, and who she will become. 

I don’t know if anyone I know will ever see these images, and I am perfectly okay with that.  

I see them, I see her. 

And I will never be able to thank Rachel and Justin enough for opening my eyes and giving me the glimpse that I needed.